I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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