there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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