trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
