I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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