The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
