Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
