george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
