I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Can I color on your dick again?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
