Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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