someone owes me an orgasm
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
