i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
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Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
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Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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