Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I will pee on everything he values.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
