alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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