I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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