ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
please come you make the beer taste better
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
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Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
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Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The dick lei will go down in squad history