closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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