My nipple is on Facebook.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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