Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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