I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
