I want to have your abortion
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
