so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
