I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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