god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
