Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
