Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
God, I missed his penis.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
