Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
