Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
