My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
