Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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