Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
