I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
