The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
