these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
