I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
