got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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