I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
there was a trapeze. enough said
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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