She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
