Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
