i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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