Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
