also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
