Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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