I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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