If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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