SEEEEXXX PLEASE
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
