You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
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he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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