I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
