Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
