Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You need Xanax blowdarts
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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