my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
And then he peed in my hair
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