Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
