I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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