Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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