Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
