you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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