I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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