Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
