Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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