When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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