mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
