so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
